DEVELOPING STORY:
Jesus Denied Entry to the U.S. – Officials Cite Economic & Security Concerns
Washington, D.C. – In a move sparking national controversy, U.S. immigration authorities have officially denied Jesus of Nazareth’s request to enter the country. The decision, confirmed earlier today, cites economic insufficiency, security concerns, and ideological incompatibility with American values.
As one conservative politician put it: “America has strict immigration laws for a reason. We can’t just let in anyone who refuses to work within our system, rejects our economic values, and associates with questionable individuals. If he won’t pledge allegiance to our country and respect our way of life, even the Son of God has no place here.
Key Reasons for Denial
- No Strategic Skills for the Economy – His background as a carpenter and itinerant preacher does not qualify him for a work visa under the U.S. merit-based system. “We are prioritizing STEM professionals, not unlicensed carpenters,” an immigration officer explained.
- Socialist Leanings – Authorities raised concerns over his teachings about wealth redistribution. One official remarked, “His emphasis on giving away possessions and serving the poor is incompatible with the American Dream.”
- Questionable Friends– Officials flagged Jesus’ habit of gathering crowds composed of the poor, undocumented, and outcasts as a security risk. "His connections with known outsiders are deeply troubling," stated one Homeland Security representative.
- Threat to National Defense – Jesus’ teachings on “turning the other cheek” and “loving your enemies” were deemed “a potential threat to national defense policy.”
- Mass Immigration Advocacy – Perhaps most troubling to officials, Jesus insisted that others of minimal means and desperation should be allowed entry with him. The administration labeled this “a blatant disregard for border security and legal immigration processes.”
- Unpatriotic Behavior – Officials expressed deep concern over Jesus' lack of allegiance to any nation. His statement that “my kingdom is not of this world” has been interpreted as “a refusal to embrace American values.” One security expert warned, "We expect immigrants to honor the flag, not undermine national unity with ambiguous loyalties."
- Challenge to Family Values – Jesus' unconventional lifestyle and teachings have drawn criticism from family policy advisors. Officials noted that his rejection of wealth, his encouragement to "leave everything behind," and his preference for community over traditional family structures raise serious concerns about his commitment to family values.
Critics of the decision, particularly from progressive and faith-based advocacy groups, have condemned the ruling as a sign of America's moral decadence. Said one faith leader: “If Jesus himself is too poor, too radical, and too compassionate to enter the United States, then we have to ask ourselves: Who exactly are we trying to keep out—and why?" Others were more cynical. "We've been denying Jesus entrance into America for a long time. This is nothing new."
Reporters are trying to reach out to Jesus to get his response, but he has reportedly been seen walking away from the border, speaking softly to a group of migrants and offering them words of comfort. When told of the decision, he was overheard saying, “Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me.”