Satire
"We must be vigilant," said Rep. Chad Worthington (R-TX). "Public libraries should be places of learning, not radical indoctrination centers where unsuspecting citizens are exposed to dangerous ideas like mercy, humility, and concern for the downtrodden."
"So, let me get this straight," said Linda Parker, director of the National Public Library Association. "We’re banning Jesus, but The Art of the Deal is still in circulation? Just making sure I understand the rules."
"This text, if taken seriously, could cause mass confusion,” said Sen. Marjorie Strongfield (R-FL). “We simply cannot allow public institutions to be complicit in promoting values that contradict the very principles this country was built upon—such as competitive individualism, righteous retaliation, and the freedom to accumulate vast personal wealth.”
"So, let me get this straight," said Linda Parker, director of the National Public Library Association. "We’re banning Jesus, but The Art of the Deal is still in circulation? Just making sure I understand the rules."
"This text, if taken seriously, could cause mass confusion,” said Sen. Marjorie Strongfield (R-FL). “We simply cannot allow public institutions to be complicit in promoting values that contradict the very principles this country was built upon—such as competitive individualism, righteous retaliation, and the freedom to accumulate vast personal wealth.”
BREAKING NEWS: Congress Moves to Protect Public Morality by Banning Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount from Libraries
Washington, D.C. — In a bold effort to safeguard national values and prevent ideological confusion, lawmakers have introduced the Protection of Moral Clarity in Public Spaces Act, which would ban the Sermon on the Mount from all public libraries.
According to the bill’s sponsors, this ancient text—containing highly subversive ideas such as loving one’s enemies, prioritizing the poor, and turning the other cheek—poses a clear and present danger to the foundations of modern American life.
"We must be vigilant," said Rep. Chad Worthington (R-TX). "Public libraries should be places of learning, not radical indoctrination centers where unsuspecting citizens are exposed to dangerous ideas like mercy, humility, and concern for the downtrodden."
A Clear and Present Danger to American Values
The proposed law specifically cites passages deemed “problematic” for impressionable readers:
✅ Blessed are the poor — Promotes an anti-growth, anti-capitalist mindset.
✅ Blessed are the peacemakers — Threatens national security and defense budgets.
✅ Love your enemies — Highly inappropriate in an election year.
✅ You cannot serve both God and money — May cause economic instability and discourage free enterprise.
✅ Turn the other cheek — Contradicts popular “stand your ground” laws.
Supporters argue that the bill is a necessary step in curbing the spread of un-American influences. “This text, if taken seriously, could cause mass confusion,” said Sen. Marjorie Strongfield (R-FL). “We simply cannot allow public institutions to be complicit in promoting values that contradict the very principles this country was built upon—such as competitive individualism, righteous retaliation, and the freedom to accumulate vast personal wealth.”
Mixed Reactions from the Public
Library directors across the country expressed confusion over the bill, with some asking whether lawmakers had actually read the text in question.
"So, let me get this straight," said Linda Parker, director of the National Public Library Association. "We’re banning Jesus, but The Art of the Deal is still in circulation? Just making sure I understand the rules."
Religious leaders, too, seemed bewildered by the development. Rev. Tom Michaels of the National Evangelical Alliance stated, "For decades, we’ve been saying this is a Christian nation. Now Congress is literally banning the words of Jesus? This is giving me an existential crisis."
Progressive faith leaders had a different take. Pastor Lisa Robinson of Open Horizons Community Church smirked, “Honestly? Jesus would love this. Getting banned from public spaces? That’s peak Jesus.”
What’s Next?
If the bill passes, the Department of Education will work with Homeland Security to ensure that any remaining copies of the Sermon on the Mount are removed from library shelves or properly labeled with a warning sticker:
“Caution: This text contains extreme teachings on forgiveness, kindness, and economic justice. Read at your own risk.”
Analysts predict that if successful, the next step will be a full review of other suspect materials, including the Book of Amos and any historical references to Dorothy Day.
For now, concerned citizens are encouraged to report any unauthorized copies of the Sermon on the Mount still lurking in their local library before it’s too late.
Washington, D.C. — In a bold effort to safeguard national values and prevent ideological confusion, lawmakers have introduced the Protection of Moral Clarity in Public Spaces Act, which would ban the Sermon on the Mount from all public libraries.
According to the bill’s sponsors, this ancient text—containing highly subversive ideas such as loving one’s enemies, prioritizing the poor, and turning the other cheek—poses a clear and present danger to the foundations of modern American life.
"We must be vigilant," said Rep. Chad Worthington (R-TX). "Public libraries should be places of learning, not radical indoctrination centers where unsuspecting citizens are exposed to dangerous ideas like mercy, humility, and concern for the downtrodden."
A Clear and Present Danger to American Values
The proposed law specifically cites passages deemed “problematic” for impressionable readers:
✅ Blessed are the poor — Promotes an anti-growth, anti-capitalist mindset.
✅ Blessed are the peacemakers — Threatens national security and defense budgets.
✅ Love your enemies — Highly inappropriate in an election year.
✅ You cannot serve both God and money — May cause economic instability and discourage free enterprise.
✅ Turn the other cheek — Contradicts popular “stand your ground” laws.
Supporters argue that the bill is a necessary step in curbing the spread of un-American influences. “This text, if taken seriously, could cause mass confusion,” said Sen. Marjorie Strongfield (R-FL). “We simply cannot allow public institutions to be complicit in promoting values that contradict the very principles this country was built upon—such as competitive individualism, righteous retaliation, and the freedom to accumulate vast personal wealth.”
Mixed Reactions from the Public
Library directors across the country expressed confusion over the bill, with some asking whether lawmakers had actually read the text in question.
"So, let me get this straight," said Linda Parker, director of the National Public Library Association. "We’re banning Jesus, but The Art of the Deal is still in circulation? Just making sure I understand the rules."
Religious leaders, too, seemed bewildered by the development. Rev. Tom Michaels of the National Evangelical Alliance stated, "For decades, we’ve been saying this is a Christian nation. Now Congress is literally banning the words of Jesus? This is giving me an existential crisis."
Progressive faith leaders had a different take. Pastor Lisa Robinson of Open Horizons Community Church smirked, “Honestly? Jesus would love this. Getting banned from public spaces? That’s peak Jesus.”
What’s Next?
If the bill passes, the Department of Education will work with Homeland Security to ensure that any remaining copies of the Sermon on the Mount are removed from library shelves or properly labeled with a warning sticker:
“Caution: This text contains extreme teachings on forgiveness, kindness, and economic justice. Read at your own risk.”
Analysts predict that if successful, the next step will be a full review of other suspect materials, including the Book of Amos and any historical references to Dorothy Day.
For now, concerned citizens are encouraged to report any unauthorized copies of the Sermon on the Mount still lurking in their local library before it’s too late.
The Protection of Moral Clarity in Public Spaces Act
(A Bill to Prohibit the Availability of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount in Public Libraries)
SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
This Act may be cited as the “Protection of Moral Clarity in Public Spaces Act.”
SECTION 2. FINDINGS.
Congress finds the following:
SECTION 3. PROHIBITION OF DISTRIBUTING THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT.
(a) General Prohibition — No public library receiving federal funding shall stock, distribute, or make available any printed, digital, or audio copy of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, unless it is explicitly framed as an example of outdated or dangerous moral reasoning.
(b) Exceptions — This prohibition shall not apply to:
(c) Enforcement — The Office of Homeland Security, shall establish a Moral Clarity Task Force to ensure compliance with this Act. The task force will be chaired by individuals deeply committed to preserving a culture of rugged individualism, national strength, and fiscal prudence.
SECTION 4. EFFECTIVE DATE.
This Act shall take effect immediately upon passage, ensuring that future generations are not led astray by potentially destabilizing ideas such as mercy, peacemaking, and concern for the poor.
This Act may be cited as the “Protection of Moral Clarity in Public Spaces Act.”
SECTION 2. FINDINGS.
Congress finds the following:
- The Sermon on the Mount, as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew, contains teachings that, if taken seriously, may undermine key American values, including but not limited to:
- Meekness (Matthew 5:5), which threatens national competitiveness and military readiness.
- Turning the other cheek (Matthew 5:39), which may lead to insufficient enthusiasm for self-defense and just retaliation.
- Love your enemies (Matthew 5:44), which could be construed as dangerously unpatriotic.
- Blessed are the poor (Matthew 5:3), which might be misinterpreted as an endorsement of economic redistribution.
- Laying up treasures in heaven rather than on Earth (Matthew 6:19-20), which could discourage entrepreneurial ambition and consumer spending.
- The unregulated presence of such doctrines in public libraries risks exposing citizens—especially impressionable youth—to ideas that could compromise their commitment to strength, competitiveness, and economic self-interest.
- Given the separation of church and state, it is imperative that no subversive religious ideology—especially one that directly contradicts widely accepted social and economic principles—be made freely available in taxpayer-funded institutions.
SECTION 3. PROHIBITION OF DISTRIBUTING THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT.
(a) General Prohibition — No public library receiving federal funding shall stock, distribute, or make available any printed, digital, or audio copy of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, unless it is explicitly framed as an example of outdated or dangerous moral reasoning.
(b) Exceptions — This prohibition shall not apply to:
- Private institutions that are prepared to assume the financial and reputational consequences of adopting such radical ideas.
- Select military academies, where students may be taught to understand and resist these passages as part of psychological defense training.
- Business schools, where the Sermon on the Mount may be analyzed as an example of economic naïveté and counterproductive social policy.
(c) Enforcement — The Office of Homeland Security, shall establish a Moral Clarity Task Force to ensure compliance with this Act. The task force will be chaired by individuals deeply committed to preserving a culture of rugged individualism, national strength, and fiscal prudence.
SECTION 4. EFFECTIVE DATE.
This Act shall take effect immediately upon passage, ensuring that future generations are not led astray by potentially destabilizing ideas such as mercy, peacemaking, and concern for the poor.