Jesus at the Infinity Pool?
Luxury Resorts and the Exclusion of God
A Satirical Reflection on Oceanfront Suites,
Fine Dining, and an Award-Winning Spa
created by Open AI
Jesus checked into the Celestial Springs Luxury Resort under an assumed name, "Sir Yeshua. Esquire." The concierge, dressed in a crisp white suit, gave him a suspicious glance but said nothing. After all, it wasn't every day that a man with sandals, a robe, and a weathered face walked into a five-star resort. But business was business.
"Welcome to Celestial Springs, sir! Where relaxation is a spiritual experience. How may we serve you?" the concierge said, forcing a smile.
"I’m here to bring good news to the poor," Jesus replied, placing his rough hands on the marble counter. "But I see none here."
The concierge chuckled nervously. "Oh, well, our guests tend to be... well... established. If you're looking for the needy, there’s a service entrance in the back."
Jesus sighed. "And what do you offer here?"
"Ah, an excellent question! Our amenities include oceanfront suites, infinity pools, fine dining, and an award-winning spa. We also have a private golf course and a wine cellar with vintages older than—well, no offense—older than your time."
"Do you have a place where I might wash some feet?"
"Oh, uh, no, sir. Our spa attendants handle all foot-related matters. Perhaps you'd like to enjoy our ‘Heavenly Retreat’ package? It includes an aromatherapy massage, a Himalayan salt sauna, and an enlightenment meditation session led by a former hedge fund manager who found inner peace after a minor tax scandal."
Jesus declined the offer but accepted the room key. He wandered past shimmering chandeliers and a cocktail lounge filled with laughter and clinking glasses. The rich dined in golden light, sipping $500 martinis, while just beyond the gates, the workers who cleaned their rooms waited for the bus home.
s
At dinner, Jesus approached a group of executives boasting about their portfolios. "A man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions," he said.
"Actually, it does," one replied, not looking up from his Wagyu steak.
Jesus reached for a basket of complimentary bread, breaking it in half. "Do you know the story of the rich man and Lazarus?"
The executives groaned. "We don’t really do parables here, buddy."
He tried the spa. As he walked through the aromatic steam, he saw a woman meditating.
"Blessed are the peacemakers," he offered warmly.
She peeked open one eye. "Shh. I'm manifesting prosperity."
By the pool, a man with a Rolex and a sunburn bragged about how he had just dodged some pesky corporate regulations. Jesus smiled and asked, "Have you considered giving what you have to the poor?"
The man laughed. "We have charities for that."
As the week went on, Jesus remained an enigma to the staff. He walked barefoot in the Zen garden, dined humbly on the free breakfast buffet, and spent long hours talking to the housekeeping crew. He seemed particularly interested in the workers who were invisible to the other guests.
Then came the final day. At check-out, the manager approached him nervously. "Sir, we've had a few... complaints. Some guests feel you're making them uncomfortable. You're always talking about money, the poor, and, well, suffering."
Jesus nodded. "I understand. But the last shall be first."
The manager forced a smile. "Yes, well, here at Celestial Springs, we believe everyone should be first."
As Jesus walked to the exit, he paused near the great golden doors. He turned to the staff and guests who watched him with amusement and annoyance. "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
The lobby fell silent.
Then a stockbroker chuckled. "Good thing I just bought stock in needle manufacturing."
Jesus smiled, shook his head, and stepped out into the world beyond the resort walls. The poor were still waiting.
Jesus checked into the Celestial Springs Luxury Resort under an assumed name, "Yeshua of Nazareth." The concierge, dressed in a crisp white suit, gave him a suspicious glance but said nothing. After all, it wasn't every day that a man with sandals, a robe, and a weathered face walked into a five-star resort. But business was business.
"Welcome to Celestial Springs, sir! Where relaxation is a spiritual experience. How may we serve you?" the concierge said, forcing a smile.
"I’m here to bring good news to the poor," Jesus replied, placing his rough hands on the marble counter. "But I see none here."
The concierge chuckled nervously. "Oh, well, our guests tend to be... well... established. If you're looking for the needy, there’s a service entrance in the back."
Jesus sighed. "And what do you offer here?"
"Ah, an excellent question! Our amenities include oceanfront suites, infinity pools, fine dining, and an award-winning spa. We also have a private golf course and a wine cellar with vintages older than—well, no offense—older than your time."
"Do you have a place where I might wash some feet?"
"Oh, uh, no, sir. Our spa attendants handle all foot-related matters. Perhaps you'd like to enjoy our ‘Heavenly Retreat’ package? It includes an aromatherapy massage, a Himalayan salt sauna, and an enlightenment meditation session led by a former hedge fund manager who found inner peace after a minor tax scandal."
Jesus declined the offer but accepted the room key. He wandered past shimmering chandeliers and a cocktail lounge filled with laughter and clinking glasses. The rich dined in golden light, sipping $500 martinis, while just beyond the gates, the workers who cleaned their rooms waited for the bus home.
At dinner, Jesus approached a group of executives boasting about their portfolios. "A man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions," he said.
"Actually, it does," one replied, not looking up from his Wagyu steak.
Jesus reached for a basket of complimentary bread, breaking it in half. "Do you know the story of the rich man and Lazarus?"
The executives groaned. "We don’t really do parables here, buddy."
He tried the spa. As he walked through the aromatic steam, he saw a woman meditating. "Blessed are the peacemakers," he offered warmly.
She peeked open one eye. "Shh. I'm manifesting prosperity."
By the pool, a man with a Rolex and a sunburn bragged about how he had just dodged some pesky corporate regulations. Jesus smiled and asked, "Have you considered giving what you have to the poor?"
The man laughed. "We have charities for that."
As the week went on, Jesus remained an enigma to the staff. He walked barefoot in the Zen garden, dined humbly on the free breakfast buffet, and spent long hours talking to the housekeeping crew. He seemed particularly interested in the workers who were invisible to the other guests.
Then came the final day. At check-out, the manager approached him nervously. "Sir, we've had a few... complaints. Some guests feel you're making them uncomfortable. You're always talking about money, the poor, and, well, suffering."
Jesus nodded. "I understand. But the last shall be first."
The manager forced a smile. "Yes, well, here at Celestial Springs, we believe everyone should be first."
As Jesus walked to the exit, he paused near the great golden doors. He turned to the staff and guests who watched him with amusement and annoyance. "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."
The lobby fell silent.
Then a stockbroker chuckled. "Good thing I just bought stock in needle manufacturing."
Jesus smiled, shook his head, and stepped out into the world beyond the resort walls. The poor were still waiting.
As he reached the front gates, two security guards in tailored suits approached him. "Sir, we've been instructed to escort you off the premises," one said firmly.
"But I was just leaving," Jesus replied.
"Yes, but we need to make sure you don't return," the other guard added. "You see, your presence has been... unsettling for some of our more prestigious guests."
"Ah," Jesus nodded. "Unfit to be among the rich and famous."
One guard hesitated. "It's not personal, sir."
Jesus glanced back at the towering resort, its golden glow, its infinity pools reflecting the sunset. Then he turned to the dusty road ahead.
"No," he said softly. "It never is."
And with that, he walked away, vanishing into the crowd, as the resort doors shut firmly behind him.
We're Special
A Global Network of Luxury Resorts
where luxury isn’t just a privilege, it’s a way of life
created by Open AI
For Immediate Release
Today, we proudly announce the founding of We’re Special, an elite society formed by the world’s most distinguished millionaires and billionaires. Our mission is clear: to transform select corners of the globe into a series of opulent spa retreats where indulgence meets innovation—and where only the truly exceptional are invited.
At our inaugural press event, co-founder Reggie Extraordinary declared,
“In a world awash with mediocrity, we stand apart. We’re Special isn’t just a society; it’s a bold statement that luxury must be as extraordinary as the people who enjoy it.”
Key Initiatives Include:
- Global Spa Renaissance: Reimagining centuries-old landmarks into lavish sanctuaries featuring signature treatments like platinum-infused hydrotherapy and diamond dust facials.
- Exclusive Membership: Reserved solely for individuals who have redefined success, ensuring that every retreat is a haven for the uniquely exceptional.
- A New Cultural Narrative: While critics decry the replacement of tradition, we see this as an evolution—refining history into a living testament to opulence and ingenuity.
Critics might call our vision elitist, but we remain steadfast in our belief that luxury, whether earned or inherited, is a birthright for those who dare to be extraordinarily rich.
For further inquiries or to schedule an exclusive interview with our distinguished members, please contact the Office of Ultra-Luxurious Rejuvenation.
Welcome to We're Special—where luxury isn’t just a privilege, it’s our way of life.
Welcome to the World of We’re Special:
Where Elegance Meets Exclusivity
The Golf Course: A Paradise of Precision and Prestige
Set against breathtaking landscapes, the We’re Special Championship Golf Course is a masterpiece of design and natural beauty. Immaculately manicured fairways weave through rolling hills, crystal-clear water features, and lush groves of imported trees, offering an unparalleled playing experience. Every bunker, green, and tee box is engineered for both challenge and aesthetic perfection, ensuring that each round is as exhilarating as it is scenic. Personalized caddies, top-tier equipment, and an exclusive members-only clubhouse elevate the experience, while a seamless blend of sport and luxury reaffirms that this is no ordinary course—it’s a statement of distinction.
The Restaurants: A Symphony of Culinary Excellence
Dining at We’re Special is more than a meal—it’s an indulgent journey curated by world-renowned chefs. Our flagship restaurant, Élan, features a menu that redefines gourmet cuisine, offering exquisite dishes prepared with the finest, rarest ingredients sourced from around the globe. For those who prefer a more relaxed setting, The Commons offers elevated comfort food with a refined twist, from truffle-infused burgers to handcrafted wood-fired pizzas. And for an intimate, once-in-a-lifetime experience, our SkyLuxe Rooftop Lounge pairs panoramic views with a tasting menu inspired by the seasons, ensuring every bite is an unforgettable moment.
The Party Rooms: Opulence in Every Celebration
Our exclusive Celestial Ballroom is a space where grandeur knows no bounds, designed for the most elegant galas, celebrations, and high-profile gatherings. Featuring hand-blown chandeliers, state-of-the-art lighting, and world-class acoustics, every event becomes a spectacle of beauty and sophistication. For more private affairs, our Legacy Lounge offers an intimate setting with bespoke décor, personalized catering, and a team of expert event curators who ensure that every detail, from floral arrangements to live entertainment, meets the highest standard of perfection.
The Spas: A Sanctuary of Rejuvenation and Renewal
At We’re Special Wellness Retreat, indulgence reaches new heights. Our signature spa treatments are crafted to restore, rejuvenate, and redefine relaxation, featuring therapies infused with rare minerals, exotic botanicals, and cutting-edge wellness technologies. Immerse yourself in a private geothermal infinity pool, indulge in a gold-flake facial, or experience our Sound Healing Temple, where vibrations recalibrate the body’s energy. Whether enjoying a personalized deep-tissue massage or the transformative benefits of our cryotherapy and infrared saunas, every moment spent in our spas is designed to elevate both body and soul.
The We’re Special Experience: Because You Deserve the Extraordinary
From world-class recreation to culinary masterpieces and serene wellness sanctuaries, We’re Special is more than a destination—it’s a lifestyle of unparalleled luxury, where indulgence meets innovation, and only the truly exceptional belong.
Set against breathtaking landscapes, the We’re Special Championship Golf Course is a masterpiece of design and natural beauty. Immaculately manicured fairways weave through rolling hills, crystal-clear water features, and lush groves of imported trees, offering an unparalleled playing experience. Every bunker, green, and tee box is engineered for both challenge and aesthetic perfection, ensuring that each round is as exhilarating as it is scenic. Personalized caddies, top-tier equipment, and an exclusive members-only clubhouse elevate the experience, while a seamless blend of sport and luxury reaffirms that this is no ordinary course—it’s a statement of distinction.
The Restaurants: A Symphony of Culinary Excellence
Dining at We’re Special is more than a meal—it’s an indulgent journey curated by world-renowned chefs. Our flagship restaurant, Élan, features a menu that redefines gourmet cuisine, offering exquisite dishes prepared with the finest, rarest ingredients sourced from around the globe. For those who prefer a more relaxed setting, The Commons offers elevated comfort food with a refined twist, from truffle-infused burgers to handcrafted wood-fired pizzas. And for an intimate, once-in-a-lifetime experience, our SkyLuxe Rooftop Lounge pairs panoramic views with a tasting menu inspired by the seasons, ensuring every bite is an unforgettable moment.
The Party Rooms: Opulence in Every Celebration
Our exclusive Celestial Ballroom is a space where grandeur knows no bounds, designed for the most elegant galas, celebrations, and high-profile gatherings. Featuring hand-blown chandeliers, state-of-the-art lighting, and world-class acoustics, every event becomes a spectacle of beauty and sophistication. For more private affairs, our Legacy Lounge offers an intimate setting with bespoke décor, personalized catering, and a team of expert event curators who ensure that every detail, from floral arrangements to live entertainment, meets the highest standard of perfection.
The Spas: A Sanctuary of Rejuvenation and Renewal
At We’re Special Wellness Retreat, indulgence reaches new heights. Our signature spa treatments are crafted to restore, rejuvenate, and redefine relaxation, featuring therapies infused with rare minerals, exotic botanicals, and cutting-edge wellness technologies. Immerse yourself in a private geothermal infinity pool, indulge in a gold-flake facial, or experience our Sound Healing Temple, where vibrations recalibrate the body’s energy. Whether enjoying a personalized deep-tissue massage or the transformative benefits of our cryotherapy and infrared saunas, every moment spent in our spas is designed to elevate both body and soul.
The We’re Special Experience: Because You Deserve the Extraordinary
From world-class recreation to culinary masterpieces and serene wellness sanctuaries, We’re Special is more than a destination—it’s a lifestyle of unparalleled luxury, where indulgence meets innovation, and only the truly exceptional belong.
Ten Tips for Plutocrats
for political leaders who want to craft an image
of everyday relatability and humility
while enjoying inordinate wealth
of everyday relatability and humility
while enjoying inordinate wealth
These strategies are for individuals – specifically wealthy and influential members of an exclusive group like *We're Special* – who aim to craft and maintain an image of everyday relatability and humility, while still living in the lap of luxury.They are meant to be employed by PR teams, image consultants, or any professionals helping the ultra-wealthy shape their public persona in a way that conveys both an aura of modesty and a justification of their riches through the lens of the Prosperity Gospel. The overarching goal is to appear humble and grounded.
- Always Say "I'm Blessed": If you're ever challenged—especially by followers of Jesus—simply reply with "I'm blessed." Or, if you prefer a slightly longer response, say "I'm blessed and grateful." This naturally reframes any criticism by suggesting your success is a divinely inspired gift.
- Down-to-Earth Uniform: Swap your bespoke suits for rugged denim and flannel—complete with a custom trucker cap emblazoned with your society’s subtle logo—to project an image of casual authenticity.
- Authentic Labor Day Moments: Stage photo-ops of yourself “rolling up your sleeves” at community centers or local factories, even if it’s just a brief cameo arranged by your PR team.
- Grassroots Meetups: Host neighborhood barbecues or town hall discussions where you mingle with locals, casually sharing anecdotes about your own “hustle” and even that one time you delivered a pizza as a nod to humble beginnings.
- DIY Social Media: Share candid selfies of you doing “real work”—from hauling firewood to fixing a fence—paired with hashtags like #HardWorkingHeart and #HumbleHustle.
- Community Volunteerism (with a Twist): Organize charity drives or volunteer events at local shelters, ensuring each appearance is well-documented and sprinkled with just the right amount of irony.
- Local Business Endorsements: Collaborate with neighborhood diners and family-owned shops to create “signature” menu items in your honor—think gourmet burgers served with a side of gold flakes.
- Unscripted “Real Talk” Seminars: Attend grassroots forums to share your personal “struggle” stories, carefully edited to highlight moments of vulnerability that seamlessly loop back to your inevitable success.
- Spiritual Advisors: Develop a group of “people of faith” who publicly affirm that your opulent, ambitious lifestyle is not only justified but divinely ordained, framing every entrepreneurial victory as part of God’s grand plan.
- Impromptu Public Service Appearances: Occasionally, make a surprise appearance at local events or community crises—whether it's paying for a neighborhood meal or helping out at a local shelter—to reinforce your image as a naturally blessed benefactor.
Remember, doing these things in no way compromises your participation in We're Special. Don't get so wrapped up in projecting that relatable image that you forget who you are: A Very Special Person among a Global Elite.