Presidential Ass-Kissing Machine
A Gift Fit for a King (or at least a Very Stable Genius)
Seeking a Manufacturer for a Very Necessary Machine
During a recent speech at the National Republican Congressional Committee President's Dinner, President Donald Trump claimed that other countries were calling and “kissing my ass” to negotiate tariff rates just before they went into effect.
Now, let’s be honest. With the number of Republicans already engaged in this particular form of foreign and domestic policy, it’s hard to imagine there’s any room left. But here’s the thing: many of them are clearly terrified of what he might do if they stop kissing his ass. And frankly, I’m a little worried too.
So, in the spirit of civic responsibility and technological innovation, I asked my friend at OpenAI to help envision a Presidential Ass-Kissing Machine—a device that delivers constant, high-quality adoration, no matter the hour or scandal.
The design specs are complete. It's got silicone lips, AI-generated praise, a loyalty-boost meter, and a setting called “Fox & Friends Forever.”
Now I’m looking for a manufacturer. Preferably one who understands the urgency of the moment. I’d wait until Christmas, but honestly, I think the former President needs this right away.
One final requirement: all parts must be made in the USA. That includes the gears, the suction cups, the velvet cushion, the gold leaf finish, and the patriotism. I know that’s a tall order—but if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that we can do it!
So if you know someone who specializes in advanced praise-delivery systems with domestic supply chains, send them my way. The future of the republic—if not its dignity—may depend on it. Here are the specs:
Presidential Ass-Kissing Machine (PAKM-2025)
Overview:
The PAKM-2025 is a sleek, gold-plated marvel of political engineering. Designed for the modern king who’s run out of sycophants—or simply wants to automate the process—it delivers high-fidelity flattery with the push of a button.
How It Works:
Voice Activation:
Say the magic phrase:
"Nobody's ever seen anything like this before!
The machine whirs to life with a patriotic fanfare and a whisper of incense-scented hot air.
Positioning System:
The target stands (or reclines—your call) in front of the velvet-lined base. A robotic arm fitted with silicone lips gently adjusts to the preferred cheek height.
Custom Flattery Modules:
Choose from pre-installed modules:
Fox & Friends Mode: Constant adoration, no fact-checking.
Lindsey Graham Protocol: Simultaneous praise and apology for past disagreements.
World Leader Simulation: Accents included. “Mr. President, you are the smartest, the strongest, the most stable genius.”
Kiss Delivery:
The kiss is delivered with just the right amount of suction and sycophancy, complete with a satisfying “Mwah!”
Optional warm breath feature available for realism.
Compliment Loop (add-on):
A loop of compliments follows every session:
“No one negotiates tariffs like you.”
“Your tweets are poetry, sir.”
“Mount Rushmore’s just four placeholders waiting for your face.”
Additional Features:
Emergency Praise Button:
Feeling underappreciated? Hit the red button. The machine activates 7 rapid-fire smooches and a 30-second standing ovation.
Remote-Controlled Echo Chamber:
Set up Alexa integration to filter all incoming media. Only positive mentions of you will be read aloud by a Sean Hannity clone.
Auto-Censor for Critics:
Any mention of dissent or facts is instantly replaced with “FAKE NEWS!” and drowned out by applause.