You're Absolutely Right!
How to become a Political Sycophant
Introduction
So, you've decided to climb the political ladder, ingratiate yourself with the powerful, and bask in the reflected glow of influence? Excellent choice! Mastering the art of political maneuvering is a time-honored tradition, practiced by courtiers, advisors, and aspiring leaders throughout history. Here are ten foolproof steps to ensure you become a Grade-A, world-class political operator.
1. Master the Art of Flattery
Excessive, unrelenting, and preferably creative flattery is your best weapon. Don't just say your political ally is smart; say they redefine intelligence. Their leadership isn't just strong—it bends the universe itself. Never let them forget how much you adore their wisdom, their vision, and yes, even their photo ops.
2. Agree with Everything
Your opinions are now flexible, like a well-worn yoga mat. No matter what the leader believes today, you believe it too. If they say the sky is green, it's time to start painting your campaign signs accordingly. Opposition is the fast track to irrelevance.
3. Laugh at All Their Jokes
Even the terrible ones. Especially those they tell at the expense of others. Your guffaws should be loud and enthusiastic, as if you've just heard the single funniest joke in human history. Bonus points for tearful laughter at recycled campaign slogans.
4. Blame Others for Mistakes
Your leader could never be wrong. If something goes awry, it must be the fault of some incompetent aide, or better yet, external forces beyond anyone’s control. Your role is to create a protective bubble of invulnerability around your superior at all times.
5. Offer Constant, Unsolicited Praise
A true political ally never waits to be asked for feedback. Instead, they provide a steady stream of affirmations. "You’re absolutely right!" and "Brilliant insight!" should be in your daily vocabulary. If there’s nothing to praise, compliment their firm handshake.
6. Fake Enthusiasm
Every announcement, initiative, or policy should be met with a level of excitement usually reserved for historic victories. New tax policy? Game-changing. Controversial decision? Visionary. Electoral loss? A strategic recalibration.
7. Spy on and Undermine Rivals
The last thing you want is competition. Keep an eye on anyone else attempting to win favor, and subtly discredit them. "I just heard Tom questioning your vision for the country—unbelievable!" is a great way to clear the field.
8. Dress the Part
Your wardrobe should subtly reflect your leader’s tastes. If they love blue ties, you love blue ties. If they roll up their sleeves, so do you. The goal is to be a visual echo of their greatness.
9. Always Take Their Side—No Matter What
Ethics? Personal beliefs? Irrelevant. The only stance you take is your leader’s stance. If they suddenly pivot on an issue, you pivot with them. If they deny something they said yesterday, you never heard it either.
10. Develop a Signature Catchphrase of Loyalty
Every great political ally has a phrase that signals their unwavering devotion. Whether it’s "I couldn’t agree more!" or "You always know best!" or "You are a stable genius" —having a go-to affirmation will cement your reputation as a steadfast supporter.
11. Rewrite History
The past is only as real as the narrative you create. If mistakes were made, they were someone else’s. If your leader changes positions, they were simply ahead of their time. Control the story, and you control reality.
12. Sell Your Soul
At some point, you may need to abandon principles, relationships, and even personal dignity in pursuit of power. The higher the stakes, the greater the sacrifice. Convince yourself that it’s all worth it.
Conclusion
With these ten steps, you’ll be well on your way to perfecting the noble art of political maneuvering. Soon, your leader will see you as indispensable, and you’ll reap the benefits of their favor—at least until they find someone even more loyal. Happy campaigning!
So, you've decided to climb the political ladder, ingratiate yourself with the powerful, and bask in the reflected glow of influence? Excellent choice! Mastering the art of political maneuvering is a time-honored tradition, practiced by courtiers, advisors, and aspiring leaders throughout history. Here are ten foolproof steps to ensure you become a Grade-A, world-class political operator.
1. Master the Art of Flattery
Excessive, unrelenting, and preferably creative flattery is your best weapon. Don't just say your political ally is smart; say they redefine intelligence. Their leadership isn't just strong—it bends the universe itself. Never let them forget how much you adore their wisdom, their vision, and yes, even their photo ops.
2. Agree with Everything
Your opinions are now flexible, like a well-worn yoga mat. No matter what the leader believes today, you believe it too. If they say the sky is green, it's time to start painting your campaign signs accordingly. Opposition is the fast track to irrelevance.
3. Laugh at All Their Jokes
Even the terrible ones. Especially those they tell at the expense of others. Your guffaws should be loud and enthusiastic, as if you've just heard the single funniest joke in human history. Bonus points for tearful laughter at recycled campaign slogans.
4. Blame Others for Mistakes
Your leader could never be wrong. If something goes awry, it must be the fault of some incompetent aide, or better yet, external forces beyond anyone’s control. Your role is to create a protective bubble of invulnerability around your superior at all times.
5. Offer Constant, Unsolicited Praise
A true political ally never waits to be asked for feedback. Instead, they provide a steady stream of affirmations. "You’re absolutely right!" and "Brilliant insight!" should be in your daily vocabulary. If there’s nothing to praise, compliment their firm handshake.
6. Fake Enthusiasm
Every announcement, initiative, or policy should be met with a level of excitement usually reserved for historic victories. New tax policy? Game-changing. Controversial decision? Visionary. Electoral loss? A strategic recalibration.
7. Spy on and Undermine Rivals
The last thing you want is competition. Keep an eye on anyone else attempting to win favor, and subtly discredit them. "I just heard Tom questioning your vision for the country—unbelievable!" is a great way to clear the field.
8. Dress the Part
Your wardrobe should subtly reflect your leader’s tastes. If they love blue ties, you love blue ties. If they roll up their sleeves, so do you. The goal is to be a visual echo of their greatness.
9. Always Take Their Side—No Matter What
Ethics? Personal beliefs? Irrelevant. The only stance you take is your leader’s stance. If they suddenly pivot on an issue, you pivot with them. If they deny something they said yesterday, you never heard it either.
10. Develop a Signature Catchphrase of Loyalty
Every great political ally has a phrase that signals their unwavering devotion. Whether it’s "I couldn’t agree more!" or "You always know best!" or "You are a stable genius" —having a go-to affirmation will cement your reputation as a steadfast supporter.
11. Rewrite History
The past is only as real as the narrative you create. If mistakes were made, they were someone else’s. If your leader changes positions, they were simply ahead of their time. Control the story, and you control reality.
12. Sell Your Soul
At some point, you may need to abandon principles, relationships, and even personal dignity in pursuit of power. The higher the stakes, the greater the sacrifice. Convince yourself that it’s all worth it.
Conclusion
With these ten steps, you’ll be well on your way to perfecting the noble art of political maneuvering. Soon, your leader will see you as indispensable, and you’ll reap the benefits of their favor—at least until they find someone even more loyal. Happy campaigning!