Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash

​Quiet Unpretentious Love

Beyond Envy, Comparisons, and
Social Media Compulsions
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This page is an invitation to consider three ideas:

1. How the unpretentious nature of divine love, as conceived in open and relational theology, might help us grow beyond the envy, comparisons, and ostentatious display of self in social media culture, finding joy in process.

​2. How learning from the Benedictine sisters in Fort Smith, Arkansas, with their vow of humility and community without flaunting personal achievements, might help us in the same way, even as they know little of open and relational theology while displaying its spirit.

3. How the Benedictines and open and relational theology are "metamodern" invitations from the future showing that life can be lived joyfully and simply, without pretense, building from the best of the past and open to the call of the future.

Listening with an Open Heart

"Benedictine spirituality is the spirituality of an open heart. A willingness to be touched.  A sense of otherness. There is no room for isolated splendor or self-sufficiency. Here all of life becomes a teacher and we its students. The listener can always learn and turn and begin again. The open can always be filled. The real discipline can always be surprised by God."

​- Joan Chittister, Benedictine Sister. Living from the Daily

​The Galilean Origins of Christianity
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"There is, however, in the Galilean origin of Christianity yet another suggestion which does not fit very well with any of the three main strands of thought. It does not emphasize the ruling Caesar, or the ruthless moralist, or the unmoved mover. It dwells upon the tender elements in the world, which slowly and in quietness operate by love; and it finds purpose in the present immediacy of a kingdom not of this world. Love neither rules, nor is it unmoved; also it is a little oblivious as to morals. It does not look to the future; for it finds its own reward in the immediate present."

Alfred North Whitehead, Process and Reality 

Quiet, Unpretentious Love

Ten Examples
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Unpretentious love is quiet. This does not mean that there is no sound or noise. Unpretentious love can be found even in the most raucous of circumstances. It means that those who practice it do not call attention to themselves or need to do so. They are not "loud" about themselves, and in their humility is their power. They are secure without needing approval or acclaim from others, without needing to be in the spotlight. Their security comes from an inner sense of being loved by something more than them, quite apart from their successes or failures, their fame, fortune, and power.

The love they offer the world comes in many forms. It can be shared joy, shared suffering, shared laughter, or shared tears. It can be found in relationships with other people, to be sure, but also in relationships with other animals and the natural world.

The key is its quietness: its absence of self-referentiality. Such love is inherently non-transactional. It is enjoyable but it is not about giving-and-receiving. The satisfaction is in the relationship itself and in the openness within the relationship. In this sense it is “open” and “relational,” not closed and atomized. Such love participates in the very life of God, who is likewise open and relational. Even God is not about self-proclamation or self-marketing. Even God is powerfully and beautifully humble. Even in God, the joy is found in the relationality, not the transactions. Even God’s love is, in this sense, quiet and unpretentious. God does not need "likes" on Facebook. God does not mind not being noticed. Here are a few places where we see this kind of love in human life and, I suggest, see glimpses of divine tenderness.

Spontaneous Acts of Kindness: Unpretentious love surfaces in anonymous gestures where the giver seeks no credit. This love is present in the unexpected coffee paid forward in a morning queue or in the quiet donations that support community causes, embodying generosity freed from the desire for acknowledgment. It's a testament to the innate goodness that thrives in the human spirit, serving as a silent yet powerful reminder of our interconnectedness.

Active Listening: It thrives in moments of attentive listening, where we offer an empathetic ear to a friend in need. Here, the focus is on understanding and empathizing rather than fixing, allowing a shared connection to deepen without the need for solutions or advice. In the listening there is not need to refer back to our own experiences. The love is in the listening.

Joy without Envy: Love without pretense can include sharing in the joys as well as the sufferings of others, Often we do this easily and naturally with young children; we can do it with adults, too.  We rejoice in another's success as if it were our own, without envy or expectation. It's the heartfelt congratulations for a friend's accomplishment or the sincere support for their endeavors, valued for the joy it brings rather than any reciprocal benefit.

Voluntary Service: This love is found in the selfless giving of time and effort to volunteer initiatives, where the act of helping itself is the reward. It's seen in the commitment to causes larger than ourselves, where the impact on the community is the only recognition sought. In these acts, we find a profound sense of purpose and fulfillment, discovering that in giving, we receive a deeper understanding of our shared humanity.

Humble Interactions: Unpretentious love is woven through interactions marked by humility, where individuals recognize their own strengths while valuing others' contributions equally. It's a love that fosters learning and growth among a community that sees every member as both teacher and student. Such humility not only nurtures personal growth but also cultivates a culture of mutual respect and appreciation, enhancing the fabric of our collective existence.

Personal Gestures of Appreciation: It quietly exists in the personal thank-yous and small tokens of appreciation shared in private moments. This form of love prioritizes making others feel seen and valued, focusing solely on the joy and connection such gestures bring. These moments, though small, are the threads that weave the tapestry of meaningful relationships, offering a quiet testament to the enduring power of recognition and gratitude.

Affection for Animals and Plants: In the care given to pets or the tending of a garden, unpretentious love sparkles. This love speaks to a deep kinship with all living beings, recognizing their intrinsic value beyond our own needs or desires. It's a connection that nurtures not only the recipients but also the givers, though not for transactional reasons, grounding us in the interdependent web of life.

Love of Beauty in Nature: This love is quietly declared in the awe and reverence we feel when witnessing a sunset or marveling at a landscape's grandeur. It's a love that asks for nothing in return, offering a profound sense of peace and connection to something greater than ourselves, reminding us of the beauty and majesty that exist beyond human creation. It can also be felt in a love of the arts: in being moved by music, or visual art, or dance, or theatre. All that we need to say is "thank you."

Love of Self Beyond Accomplishments: Unpretentious love shines through in the acceptance and appreciation of ourselves, not for achievements or accolades but for our inherent worth. It's a gentle acknowledgment of our imperfections and strengths, fostering a sense of self-compassion that is liberating and grounding. We accept our humanity and, even amid whatever brokenness we might suffer or failures we take responsibility for, we find something beautiful.
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Trust in God Beyond Accomplishments: In open and relational theology, unpretentious includes trust in a higher power who values us not for our successes but for our intrinsic value, as if we were God's own children, which we are. It's a love that reassures us of our intrinsic worth in God's eyes, encouraging a path of humility, grace, and inner peace. Unpretentious love reveals itself not as something we must actively strive to practice, but as a natural expression of the heart's capacity to care for others without seeking the spotlight. We love because we are loved.

Love in an Age of Social Media
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The Problem of Social Media Exhibitionism

Whitehead finds God in the tender elements of the world which slowly and in quietness operate by love. You get the feeling that God has a kind of humility, that God wouldn't mind remaining unnoticed, as long as love finds its way into the hearts of human beings. This kind of God does not sit on a throne and is not a bully in the sky. God is not in the business of self-promotion or self-congratulation.

Perhaps it can be put this way. God doesn't have a Facebook page or an Instagram account. God is not always posting about God's achievements. aiming to garner attention, validation, or admiration from others. God is not a social media exhibitionist.

Social media exhibitionism occurs when people constantly showcase themselves and self-designated "achievements" on social media platforms, in order to be recognized and appreciated. It often involves presenting a highly curated and idealized version of oneself as "successful."

The primary motivation behind this behavior is to create a favorable impression and evoke admiration from others. It is natural to want a little attention, but social media exhibitionism goes beyond the pale. It is rooted in insecurity and a sense of loneliness: a symptom of the epidemic of loneliness that permeates much of society. The hope is of a social media exhibitionist is that enough self-marketing will relieve the insecurity.

Such exhibitionism is problematic because it fosters a culture of envy which intensifies the isolation. Ostensibly the self-marketing is an appeal for shared celebration of experiences and achievements. The idea is to say: "Look at this wonderful thing that I've done, won't you share my joy?" or "Look at how beautiful I am, isn't it interesting and amazing, too?"

But it really doesn't work that way. It fosters feelings of inadequacy in others, because they are not as "happy" or "successful" as the exhibitor. And it perpetuates unrealistic standards of beauty, success, and happiness, and leads to a distorted perception of reality for both the exhibitor and the audience.

It also runs counter to the very nature of the gentle Love of which Whitehead speaks. In "God after Deconstruction" Thomas Oord and Tripp Fuller lift up the image of God as a Spirit of noncontrolling love at work in the world, not unlike the love of which Whitehead speaks above. They say that what makes God "loving" is that God is active throughout the world and in each human heart to promote, in their words, "flourishing."

In consumer society we may think that "flourishing" means being noticed and perhaps even being famous. But open and relational theology present a different image of flourishing. We human beings do not flourish when we flaunt our achievements in ways that contribute to a culture of envy and self-promotion. We flourish when we awaken to God's love when we seek to live together, creatively and humbly, without needing to stand out from the crowd or over and against one another.

In God's love there is no social hierarchy. There is no 'above' and 'below.' There is no boasting. The joy and freedom is in healthy relations with others, where no one is envious, no one jealous, no one insecure. Jesus called it the kingdom of God. 

This kingdom is the aspirational ideal to which open and relational theologians are rightly committed. They need not measure things in terms of book sales and speaking engagements, much less fame, fortune, and power. The better measure is how much tenderness, and how much gentle love, has found its way into the world. Their temptation, and my own, is to think that open and relational theology is the primary conduit for this love, and to think that self-marketing is a necessary means by which this theology can be presented to the world. But the love itself is quieter and deeper, unpretentious and often hidden. Like a soft wind that caresses the world without being named. A wind that slowly and quietly operates through love.

​- Jay McDaniel

Sarah, Age 13

Dear Mr. McDaniel,

I'm suffocating in a culture of envy. I contribute to it, too. My friends and I are constantly comparing ourselves to one another, seeing who is more accomplished or talented or beautiful. We parade our experiences on Instagram, hoping others will see how "happy" we are. But we're not happy. We are anxious and envious. And the images we share are really just a caricature of who we are. Is there a better way? Does open and relational theology offer ideas for a different kind of community, free of comparison and envy? What does it look like?

Sarah
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Dear Sarah,

I think it looks a little like the Benedictine sisters at St. Scholastica Monastery, about a hundred mile north of us, in Fort Smith, Arkansas. They are much older than you and there are only twenty of them. Their median age eighty-one.

But I think you'd like them. You don't have to be Catholic; I'm not. But they are all very unique as individuals; with talents and personalities of their own. And they don't even pretend to be perfect or always happy or totally free of inner tensions. No caricatures! They work, pray, and grow together; they live simply, without flaunting "accomplishments," and for them, the real accomplishment in life is loving and helping others, not being noticed.

They have a lot of fun, too. I am a lay associate in their community, and I drive up occasionally and do singalongs with them. They like traditional religious songs, to be sure, but also folk songs, love songs, and Elvis. We've sung "Can't Help Falling in Love" together, and also "Amazing Grace." You might be surprised at how much they love life and how they transcend stereotypes of "religion."

I think of them as a model of how life can be lived, no matter what age you are. Some might think of them as legacies from the past, but I think of them as invitations from the future.  I think you and I both can learn from them. Let's drive up and see them.

​Mr. McDaniel
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Driving North

Confessions of an Oblate

I am an oblate at St. Scholastica Monastery in Fort, Smith Arkansas. They are 150 miles north of me, about an hour's drive. In their prime, they had three hundred members; now, they are down to twenty, with a median age of eighty-one.

I wish that had more novitiates. I want them to survive and flourish. I realize how hard it must be for them, to see themselves declining in numbers. 

But despite the reduction in numbers, they are a vibrant community, guided by the Spirit. You might wrongly interpret their diminished size as a sign of obsolescence. But I see them as a beacon from the future, showing how life can be lived simply and lovingly, without pride, envy, or an excessive desire for personal validation. For me, they embody what it truly means to be Christian, demonstrating quiet, prophetic, and humble love. This has an effect on how they live: simplicity in dress, frugality in lifestyle, communal prayer, and commitment to deep listening. Make no mistake; they are by no means boring. They find joy in life, evident in their laughter and their view of "play" as a spiritual practice.  In the old days the even played soccer together, wearing their habits. Now their recreation takes quieter forms, but no less enjoyable. 

In any case they are prophetically different, and in this sense ahead of their times and our times. They are in the world but not of the world of envy, self-congratulation, and social signaling.  Unlike consumer culture that seeks validation through self-promotion and status, the sisters aspire to live in love and community. Their involvement in social service—be it social work, counseling, spiritual direction, or teaching—reflects their forward looking values. They do not seek acclaim for their achievements but find fulfillment in love and communal service. They are not afraid to be anonymous.

Are they pre-modern or modern or metamodern? I see them as metamodern, embodying values that build upon the past but arrive from the future: values of love and tenderness and equality, transcending contemporary societal norms of appearance, affluence, and marketable achievement. Cooperation counts more than competition. They are in their own way post-capitalist. 

They know little if anything of open and relational theology. We never talk about it, and I'm pretty sure most would balk at the idea that God is not all-powerful. But they live out its spirit through their commitment to love, community, and service. When I think of the world I'd live to live in, and the world I want for my children and my children's children, I drive north.

- Jay McDaniel