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The Cosmic Significance
of Being Polite in Daily Life

A Note on Process and Confucianism

A Confucian-influenced process philosophy sees being polite in daily life as one way of being attuned to the harmony of the universe. From a Confucian as from a process perspective, values such as harmony, beauty, truth, and goodness are part of the very nature of the cosmos. We live in a moral universe. Not that people are necessarily moral; often they - we - are not. But we live in a universe that is not value-free. It includes ideals which, if we respond to them, can help us become more compassionate and more fully human.

Being polite in daily life is one way of bringing these ideas down to earth and into daily relations. It embodies the kind of healthy relationality that both Confucianism and process philosophy find so important. True, the Chinese tradition does not speak of a monotheistic God who created the world. But it does speak of Tian or Heaven, which is, among other things, a universal Harmony of Harmonies encompassing the universe.

Interestingly, Harmony of Harmonies is the name Whitehead uses for God in "Adventures of Ideas." It is what he calls "the consequent nature of God" in "Process and Reality." This Harmony is not outside the universe; it is the living unity of the universe, filled with beauty. And it is part of what we feel, intuitively, when we are inwardly lured by ideals such as truth, goodness, and beauty.

The Harmony comes down to earth, not in shouting at one another and not in bullets, but small and kindly ways: in saying "please" and "thank you," in holding the door for others, in offering sincere compliments, in active listening, in waiting our place in line, and other daily and kindly rituals.

These rituals are the social glue of a healthy society and life. They also include the virtue of being humble and modest: not seeing yourself as the center of the universe but in promoting the good of a larger whole. In this willingness to be part of something more, the rituals of daily life are a way that we can be "together" with others in loving ways.

Whitehead speaks of the quiet power of love in the world. Being polite is a form of quiet love. It is part of the heart of Confucianism as relevant to our time: for people in China and other parts of East Asia, to be sure, and to people all over the world. What the world needs now is love sweet love, goes the song. It also needs, as one form of love, politeness sweet politeness.

​- Jay McDaniel

Ten Forms of Politeness

1. Greeting with respect: Using appropriate greetings, such as "hello," "hi," or bowing, depending on the cultural context, to acknowledge and show respect when meeting someone.
2. Saying "please" and "thank you": Using polite language to request something ("please") and express gratitude ("thank you") when receiving help or services.
3. Holding doors open: In many cultures, it is considered polite to hold a door open for the person behind you, allowing them to enter first.
4. Waiting in line: Respecting queues and waiting your turn is a universal sign of politeness and fairness.
5. Using polite titles: Addressing people with appropriate titles, such as Mr., Mrs., or using honorifics like "sir" and "ma'am," depending on the culture.
6. Offering help: Offering assistance to someone in need, whether it's carrying heavy bags, giving directions, or helping with a task, is often seen as a polite gesture.
7. Giving up seats: Offering your seat to someone in need, such as the elderly, pregnant women, or individuals with disabilities, is a common act of politeness in many cultures.
8. Not interrupting: Allowing others to speak without interruption and listening attentively is a sign of respect and politeness.
9. Covering your mouth when coughing or sneezing: Practicing good hygiene by using a tissue, handkerchief, or your elbow to cover your mouth and nose when coughing or sneezing is considered polite and helps prevent the spread of germs in many cultures.
10. Removing shoes indoors: In many Asian cultures, it's considered polite to remove your shoes before entering someone's home to keep their living space clean.

Harmony with the Universal Order

from the Analects of Confucius

"What is Heaven-given is what we call human nature. To fulfill the law of our human nature is what we call the moral law [Tao]. The cultivation of the moral law is what we call culture. The moral law is a law from whose operation we cannot for one instant in our existence escape….Our central self or moral being is the great basis of existence, and harmony or moral order is the universal law in the world….The life of the moral person is an exemplification of the universal moral order."

Novak, Philip. The World's Wisdom: Sacred Texts of the World's Religions (p. 119). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition. 

A Metaphysical Commentary
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A distinctive feature of the Confucian worldview is its idea that the universe itself has a moral order, and that we humans can and should conform to it and embody it, among other ways, by practicing etiquette in daily life.

The idea that the universe has such an order is unfashionable in Western, modernist circles. Most modernists presuppose that the universe is purposeless and value-free until and unless values are projected onto it. Some argue further that the most influential values, like private property, for example, are projected primarily by people in power who decide what values are assigned to it, and then insist that others conform. For modernists, the idea that such values are part of the universe is old-fashioned and pre-modern. The rejection of this idea is liberating. The universe must be, as it were, deconstructed of its pre-modern assumptions, so that we can recognize human capacities for constructing our own value, whether for good or ill.

Process philosophers disagree. They agree that human agency must be encouraged, including freedom of thought and action. They also agree that many values, such as private property, are but social constructions. But they propose that the universe itself carries ideals, or values, as well as facts. Two kinds of value are part of the universe, they say: (1) the existential value that each and every actual entity has for itself, and more generally, (2) more abstract ideals such as Truth, Goodness, Beauty, Adventure, and Peace.

In the latter regard, their idea is not that any particular group or individual possesses Truth, Goodness, Beauty. They are aspirational ideals, not possessions. But their argument is (1) that values such as these do indeed beckon or lure humanity as ideals to be aspired to, such that even if humans attempt to deny them, there is an affirmation in the denial. For example, if we deny that the universe carries value, we are claiming a truth of sorts, namely the the universe is value-free. Their argument is also (2) that these values come from something beyond them. The values are part of what a Confucian might call the heaven-given moral order of the universe, at the heart of which is a certain kind of Harmony.

Among process philosophers, Andrew M. Davis has made the case for such values in his book "Mind, Value, and Cosmos: On the Relational Nature of Ultimacy" (Lexington Books, 2020). His book is an investigation into the nature of ultimacy and explanation, particularly as it relates to the status of, as the title suggests, mind, value, and the cosmos. In making his arguments, Davis borrows from longstanding "axianoetic" convictions as to the ultimate status of mind and value in the Western tradition of philosophical theology, and chiefly from the influential modern proposals of A.N. Whitehead, Keith Ward, and John Leslie.

Six ideas weave their way through the book are: Mind - Value - Actuality - Possibility - God - World. Davis argues that these ideas are necessary for an adequate understanding of "the mystery of existence" and that they are only ultimate in virtue of their relationality. He calls this the relational theory of ultimacy. I suggest that a Confucian might well be at home with Davis' argument. Much Confucian thinking, past and present, assumes that the universe includes values as well as facts, possibilities as well as actualities, mind as well as matter.  If Davis is offering what might be called a constructively postmodern vision of the universe, that moves beyond the liabilities of modernism; then Confucianism, as informed by ideas from process philosophy, might likewise offer such a vision. It is no accident that, in China today, process philosophy plays a small but influential role in some academic circles. In both instances we have a value-laden universe.

How might the values of the universe be embodied in human life? Here a unique possibility emerges from the Confucian tradition. It is that the ideals ingredient in the universe can be embodied, among other ways, through social ritual and everyday etiquette, or Li. Philip Novak explains:

​"Li has two overlapping meanings: proper comportment and ritual. It was not lost on sages like Confucius that habits determine character. The repeating patterns of what we say, what we do, and how we think determine what we become and what we are. As our habits go, so go we. In Confucius’s view, attentive performance of social ritual and everyday etiquette shapes human character in accordance with archetypal patterns. We thereby make our own the wise ways of the ancients, which are also heaven’s ways."
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In the case of Confucius, the particularities of the rituals are multiple and often quite specific. This can give outsiders the impression that the Confucian project is mostly about rules. But a Whiteheadian appreciation of Confucius will focus on the more general idea that rituals for harmonious living can be, in many contexts, ways that the ideals of the universe become embodied in daily life: writing thank-you notes, for example, or opening doors for others, or welcoming guests with food. All are instances of Li in daily life. Moreover, in learning these rituals as children, and seeing others embody them, we learn how to embody the ideals of the universe in our lives. We learn by practice and example.

These examples always have a bodily component, even writing thank-you notes. This link with the body is itself Whiteheadian in spirit. From Whitehead's perspective, all experience, moment by moment, begins with what he calls 'experience in the mode of causal efficacy,' a primary example of which is what he calls 'the withness of the body.' Whitehead is saying that in our daily lives, our bodies are the immediate context for, and source of, our mental and psychological lives. We feel the feelings of our bodies, including their movements, and those feelings provide ideas for how we can live in the world.

This means that bodily rituals, conducive to harmony, are ways that we learn about and from the cosmos itself. We learn mind-to-body and not just body-to-mind. In these and other ways, the moral order of the universe enters the fabric of our lives through rituals like writing thank-you notes, opening doors for others, and welcoming guests with food. As Novak says, "as our habits go, so we go."