God, Are You Looking for Me?
Ready or Not, Here I Come.
Nita Gilger on Owning the Shadow
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In the Christian tradition there is an emphasis on the shadow — the dark side of humankind for which each person must take responsibility. Exploration of the shadow is one of the most important goals of Christian spirituality.
-- Lauren Artress in Walking a Sacred Path |
I had a love/hate relationship with the game of hide and seek as a child. My brother, John, really did not like to play with me or anyone else very much. He was an introvert and brilliant. I was the extrovert and social one. My brother did not seem to appreciate the way I played catch. I missed the baseball more often than I caught it. I wasn’t as good as him at catching horned toads. He would ride bikes with me on a very limited basis.
However, there was one game he would play with me. Yes, he would play hide and seek with me from time to time. I was pretty serious about following the rules so when I had to close my eyes and face the big cedar bush to count, I NEVER peeked. John was an incredibly good hider. It seemed like it would take me forever to find him. Now, I understand that he probably loved the game because he could hide and NOT be found thus offering him the silence and alone time he wanted and needed as he longed to be away from his Chatty Cathy little sister.
I, on the other hand, would hide almost in plain sight because I wanted to be found. I did not want to be alone in some closed-in, dark space, without anyone to be with and share my deepest thoughts.
In the Old Testament story of Adam and Eve, God asks, Where are you? When the two mates decided to separate themselves from God, God looks for them.
My understanding and interpretation of this story is of God as curious and compassionate. It shows that God is wanting us to be in union with all that would bring resolution to our lives keeping us from division and brokenness.
Therapist, Chuck DeGroat, in his book, Wholeheartedness: Busyness, Exhaustion, and Healing the Divided Self (2016), says,
The God of the Christian Scriptures goes to great lengths to find us in our hiddenness, to call us out of it through a major Beatitude-inspired surgery, and invite us to become ambassadors of wholeness for the sake of others.
I experience God as always wanting to find us, know us, love us, guide us, and help us. Grace is about embracing our brokenness which can be a seedbed for new life moving us toward wholeness. I crave union with the Divine. I do not have to look long to see that The Presence is not hidden. It is in plain sight just waiting to be found. I know there is no need for me to hide either.
I enjoy the time of year here on the ranch when the tractors are humming and the sowing of the seed gets underway. It is quite a process. As the earth is plowed and the fertilizer spread, the fields become ready to receive the seed. With a little luck or blessing, the rains will come at just the right time with just the right amount of moisture for the winter wheat to sprout. The wheat becomes a nourishing food for the cattle, deer, and even the feral hogs. Cultivation is hard work. It takes good timing and some precision. It takes knowledge and effort to make it all come together.
But there is something else that happens when that deep plowing begins. It turns up moles, mice, rats and such and attracts hundreds of red-tailed hawks. It is really an incredible sight. There can be more than 100 hawks sharing in the scrumptious feast at the same time. They normally stay for about a week and then move on or divide up to go different directions.
Walking along every morning, I never notice, nor can I see, all those mice and critters hiding in the weeds and soil, but they are there. I am fairly certain that they are not wanting to be found. They quite enjoy their hiding spots. The hawks are vigilant and precise. Their vision is laser sharp and their talons very able. The hiddenness of the mice and moles is no challenge for them. However, the plowing and churning up of the dirt makes the impending meal, easily accessible.
Unlike the mice and moles, I want to be found. I am hiding in plain sight. More importantly, God wants to know where I am. God wants to find me and is more than able. With some serious plowing- up of my brokenness to expose what is really hiding there, perhaps I can be found anew as I relish the curious, compassionate, merciful nature of God. I know for sure the seedbed of my life could use some good cultivation. I know there are hidden places that are calling out to be found. And, I know that when found, I will move ever closer to Spirit and wholeness within and without.
Prayer: God of the hawks, the mice, my brother, and me, thank you for being with me always. Thank you for wanting to find me. Help me to cultivate wholeness and unity with you. Thank you that I do not really need to try to hide my brokenness from you. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10---Here I come, ready or not. Amen
-- NIta Gilger
Life on the Ranch Where Nita Gilger Lives
a sanctuary for spiritual exploration
Owning the Shadow
a reflection on Nita Gilger's Essay by Jay McDaniel
"The spiritual practice of shadow encourages us to make peace with those parts of ourselves that we find to be despicable, unworthy, and embarrassing — our anger, jealousy, pride, selfishness, violence, and other "evil deeds." In Christianity, shadow aspects show up as the seven deadly sins. Muslims talk about nafs as our lower selves, and Buddhists refer to negative emanations of mind. Societies and cultures also have dark sides. This practice aims at wholeness by unifying the dark and the light inside and around us. Start by looking closely at yourself, especially your flaws. Take responsibility for your actions, especially those that have had unfortunate outcomes. By owning your shadow, you embrace your full humanity." (Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat)
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As I read Nita Gilger's essay, I think one of the thirty seven spiritual practices recommended by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat in Spirituality and Practice. They include attention, delight in beauty, kindness, compassion, and imagination -- all very enjoyable. But one of the practices is more difficult: owning our shadow side. Nita speaks of her shadow side as her "brokenness."
She is inviting us not to hide from our own shadow but rather, instead, to do some serious plowing and let the side surface so that we can see it and God can see it, together. Somehow the very mystery at the heart of the universe -- God -- is with us in the seeking, albeit with laser-like eyes and hawk-like curiosity.
She writes:
Unlike the mice and moles, I want to be found. I am hiding in plain sight. More importantly, God wants to know where I am. God wants to find me and is more than able. With some serious plowing- up of my brokenness to expose what is really hiding there, perhaps I can be found anew as I relish the curious, compassionate, merciful nature of God. I know for sure the seedbed of my life could use some good cultivation. I know there are hidden places that are calling out to be found. And, I know that when found, I will move ever closer to Spirit and wholeness within and without.
As we read her essay we might wonder if God is like a hawk who sees these forms of brokenness inside us with laser-sharp eyes and talons, and want us to see them, too. But Nita describes God as curious and compassionate so, at least for me, God is not like the hawk. Yes, God may "see" as clearly as the hawk, but God is not a predator. God is Love. But Love itself has a tough, hawk-like side that we can experience as painful and perhaps even terrifying. The moles, mice and rats experience the terror of being sought, and we do, too. We are terrified by what we might find. But Nita Gilger encourages us to go ahead and plow into the ground, trustful that the very One who seeks us is trustworthy. And what might we do with the brokenness we find?
We can give it to the One who seeks us in prayer and action. This encompassing One, a sky-like mind in whose heart even the hawks fly, is also a spirit of creative transformation. God takes our darker sides and, with our cooperation, conscious and unconscious -- turns them into love. We seek that turning, that transformation. So we count -- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 -- and then say, with courage, ready or not, here I come.
*
As I read Nita Gilger's essay, I think one of the thirty seven spiritual practices recommended by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat in Spirituality and Practice. They include attention, delight in beauty, kindness, compassion, and imagination -- all very enjoyable. But one of the practices is more difficult: owning our shadow side. Nita speaks of her shadow side as her "brokenness."
She is inviting us not to hide from our own shadow but rather, instead, to do some serious plowing and let the side surface so that we can see it and God can see it, together. Somehow the very mystery at the heart of the universe -- God -- is with us in the seeking, albeit with laser-like eyes and hawk-like curiosity.
She writes:
Unlike the mice and moles, I want to be found. I am hiding in plain sight. More importantly, God wants to know where I am. God wants to find me and is more than able. With some serious plowing- up of my brokenness to expose what is really hiding there, perhaps I can be found anew as I relish the curious, compassionate, merciful nature of God. I know for sure the seedbed of my life could use some good cultivation. I know there are hidden places that are calling out to be found. And, I know that when found, I will move ever closer to Spirit and wholeness within and without.
As we read her essay we might wonder if God is like a hawk who sees these forms of brokenness inside us with laser-sharp eyes and talons, and want us to see them, too. But Nita describes God as curious and compassionate so, at least for me, God is not like the hawk. Yes, God may "see" as clearly as the hawk, but God is not a predator. God is Love. But Love itself has a tough, hawk-like side that we can experience as painful and perhaps even terrifying. The moles, mice and rats experience the terror of being sought, and we do, too. We are terrified by what we might find. But Nita Gilger encourages us to go ahead and plow into the ground, trustful that the very One who seeks us is trustworthy. And what might we do with the brokenness we find?
We can give it to the One who seeks us in prayer and action. This encompassing One, a sky-like mind in whose heart even the hawks fly, is also a spirit of creative transformation. God takes our darker sides and, with our cooperation, conscious and unconscious -- turns them into love. We seek that turning, that transformation. So we count -- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 -- and then say, with courage, ready or not, here I come.
